Every facet of my disposition – even fate, the cards I’ve been dealt in life – seems to be on a cusp. Astrologically by both Eastern and Western charts I’m a cusp baby. Cultural identity wise, mine is the hyphenated experience. I’m agnostic when it comes to party lines, but you’ll certainly hear the far right calling me too woke, and the far left calling me too trad.
I’m often too structured and austere for the creative arts community and too sensitive, too mystical-leaning for the corporate world. I like agendas, strategic plans, and realistic goal-setting; I value efficiency, utility, and productivity, all attributes that do not go over well with the creative arts community. I also account for unseen influences, trust my psychic impulses, and value empathy, compassion, mercy, softness, vulnerability, and kindness, attributes heavily frowned upon in the corporate world.
On my social media, I recently shared Verse 20 from the Tao Te Ching. I’ll just excerpt a small part of it here:
Mastery of knowledge abates the suffering, or is it
Ceasing pursuit of knowledge abates the suffering—
How does one discern the first from the second?
…
Others have a place they belong, but I am left behind.
… I feel estranged at nightfall.
… I alone have this heart of discontent.
Like a tranquil sea, an endless drifting wind,
they each have their purpose but I alone resist the flow.
For those familiar with the TTC, hilariously even this verse is a “cusp” verse, unique in its structure, because the implied first line is actually the last line of Verse 19. You carry over the last line of Verse 19, continue with the actual Verse 20, and that’s how you get the context for that question presented: “How does one discern the first from the second?” Is it that the more you learn and know, the more you’re able to curb suffering? Or is ignorance bliss, because the more you know, the more suffering you seem to experience?
Something about the tone, the wording, from content to vibes about Verse 20 has always stuck out to me, setting it apart from the other TTC verses.
A recurring theme in Eastern philosophy and mysticism is harmony, balance, temperance, and walking the middle path. So I wonder if Verse 20 is this prophetic reflection on what happens when you choose to walk the middle path. It means you end up belonging nowhere.
Even in the world of divination, esoterica, and spirituality, I’m not “throw out the books and unconditionally trust your intuition” and I’m also not “give me a vetted citation from a figure of recognizable authority or bust.” I’m not one to presume that everything that goes bump in the night is a supernatural phenomenon, and I’m also not one to presume that there is no such thing as supernatural phenomenon, and in fact I’m the type who doesn’t even like the word “supernatural” because I consider it perfectly natural.
And many times that meant it was hard to relate to the people conversing around me. I’m not rational enough for the rationalists, and not spiritual enough for the spiritualists. It’s funny how the comments section of my YouTube videos can equally accuse me of being too academic, weighing down the content with an overkill of citations, but also get the critique of not being academic enough and lacking in citations.
(I won’t get into how a white dude who decides to self-identify with Dr. is immediately assumed to be scholarly enough to speak authoritatively on a tradition not his own, but I speak on my own tradition and get badgered with, where did you get your PhD in Eastern Philosophy from? Cite your sources, now.)
As for what I said earlier about being agnostic when it comes to party lines, yes, when it comes to party lines, but no, not when it comes to political activism. There’s a difference. A big one. Actually what draws me to Taoism is the incredible guidance it offers with respect to sociopolitics and political theory. The middle path with respect to politics doesn’t mean you don’t pick a side; it means you see the humanity of both sides. It means social justice and public interest, dispensed in a non-discriminatory, non-prejudicial way. So the side you pick is the one that restores balance to unchecked power.
But globally we are in a phase of division right now. We are devoting a whole lot of time drawing lines in the sand and figuring out who belongs on what side of those lines. And if you aren’t 100% in alignment with that side’s ideologies, you get pushed across the line, but then that side also realizes you are not in 100% alignment with their ideology either, so you get tossed back. Hence the feeling of belonging nowhere.
Just as I was about to end this musing here, the hubby J brought up a thoughtful insight. Perhaps by being a cusp baby, it’s not that I belong nowhere, but maybe, he offered, it gives me the access to belong everywhere. You just won’t belong squarely and exclusively within any single in-group. But is that so bad? Isn’t that exactly why the last line of Verse 20 is, “I am the singular, and take nourishment from the Primordial Mother”? You are on your own, but never alone, because where you truly belong is everywhere — oneness with the Tao.
benebell wen 
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This feeling is so familiar to me. Perhaps this is why I find so many helpful things in your work, even if I don’t always understand things right off the bat.
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While I am not a cusp person astrologically speaking (and don’t buy into cusps, astrologically speaking), I definitely identify with most of what you say. And being an optimistic Sag, I always see it as belonging (or being able to choose to belong) everywhere, at least everywhere I want to belong.
And speaking of Sagittarius, I see what you have written about in terms of Temperance. Everyone has a different blend, but few people used to be so rigidly one thing or the other. I think that’s happened in American society in the last few years because of the intense tribalism and also the intended targeting by certain media to rile up the populace. (And the dumbing down of America, too, of course.)
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I agree with your hubby here. And often, I feel the same as you describe.
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I do believe the middle path is belonging somewhere. Most people are living there in the middle under the bell curve. We used to call it The Silent Majority back in my day. I was much further left leaning back then but in today’s light I’m definitely a middle road wanderer.
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This was the same conclusion I came to being a “half breed” of Filipino and Irish decent and a mystic in the corporate world. If I belong nowhere, it is simply because I belong everywhere. Thank you for this beautifully penned reflection.
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I wonder if this is brought by Jupiter in Gemini. Hermes the messenger God between worlds. The duality of the Twins in a single archetype. The equivalent of the ying and yang where both contain each other and both are separated but both are the whole. The trinity. The dao. The middle path that connects either side. The without Benebell no one is bridging Western and Eastern wisdom as effectively for those of us who belong to the desire for connection between cultures and a more complete wisdom, a connection of all people. A love for difference and for what we all share in common. The paradox where we exist.
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Yes and I often feel the same, as some would say it is trying to straddle both worlds. Be in this world but not of this world. Participate but not being attached to the outcome. I agree with you that so much of modern society is divided particularly when seen through the lens of social media. The division will grow in the future as AI becomes more prevalent. Just my opinion.
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This resonates so deeply with me. I won’t go into detail, but I am just so grateful that you are giving words to my experience. I love the idea of a cusp person.
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I love this and can definitely relate. Now I know I belong everywhere! Thanks for sharing.
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You are not alone. I also feel most often that I don’t really belong anywhere. I’m too open for mystery/spirituality for the scientific community, but I’m also too skeptical and rational for the majority of spiritual people. But this inner turmoil goes even further to almost any area of my life.
I try to walk the middle ground, but either side considers me to conspire with the foe (=the other side). I feel homeless, don’t have any roots. And I just can’t connect with other people. It’s not that I didn’t try, but almost always I can feel that I’m not really welcome. And it doesn’t change with time. So, I stick to myself and try to entertain myself with things that interest me. That’s not the lifestyle I wished for, but the best I could make of it.
Anyways, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And posts like yours help me too feel that I’m not alone with these feelings, either.
Best wishes to you! Free hugs anyone? 😉
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PS: As for those white male Dr. who would explain your own culture to you… Did you ever watch The Big Bang Theory? Well, people like Sheldon are abundant in the science community. Though not all go to that extreme, so they could be diagnosed, most have at least this tendency. It’s a form of autism (Asperger Syndrom). And one typical characteristic of autism is that they stick to the rules they learned first and by instances they see as an authority. They aren’t open, they are inflexible and they don’t realize their arrogance.
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Hm. I love this. I’m going to need to think aspects of this over quite a bit. Really beautifully expressed, Benebell. 🙂
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Benebells’ philosophy is hallarious!
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I think there are more people in the middle than there are in the extremes. I think the middle is a place of more freedom and diversity. It’s a place where no one has an exact label or definition, therefore there’s more freedom to be who you are. It has many shades so perhaps that might make it difficult to find an exact copy of ourselves. Perhaps that contributes to the sense of loneliness. But perhaps we can find those close enough to us.
With regards to the middle belonging everywhere. I’d have to think about that. My gut tells me we belong everywhere except in the extremes, for we are grey and not black or white. Though we contain both black and white, the act of mixing the two, makes you different from the two. But again I’d need to think about it. I hope I’m not too abstract. It’s just that’s how I experience the middle.
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Is there such thing as a DSM of divination tools? Is it OK to have several accounts of the matter but also have a reference tool where others can decide on a cellular level that of resonance statistically applicable environmentally. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54kwyH2GtYM
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Its the material your using buddy https://spaceweather.com/ reach outside yourself not in basic cardstock.
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Your freaking nuts . . . I have superior readings Ill have you know!
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Thanks but no thanks; I would not produce offspring for you if it were my last fortune cookie.
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Technology will eventually replace spirituality https://www.asianscientist.com/2016/05/in-the-lab/superconductivity-high-temperature-fese/ ha, ha, ha!
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Wrong . . . “the Devil you know is better than the Devil you don’t.”
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wtf is going on here?! What does this troll want? The postings do not even make the slightest bit of sense (neither in context nor in themselves)…
Fortune cookies aren’t Chinese, btw. You won’t find any in China (neither PRC nor Taiwan). They were invented in the US.
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This beautifully expresses some things I have felt as well. Funnily enough I had a similar conversation about the middle place with another person in the tarot community almost simultaneously occurring with the timing of this post, and it wasn’t that they had seen this – though I did mention they should come here to read this post!
I think it just might be true that many of us feel like outsiders, for various reasons. But though things seem that way we probably have more in common as humans than differences. We all contain multitudes!
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This. This resonated so very much with me… I have always felt exactly as you so eloquently described. And I cannot agree more with your husband on the liminal fluidity to move back and forth across those lines. But that in no way mitigates the constant frustration/turmoil of having to explain oneself to either side of any issue. I’m sure it would be an easier life feeling 100% assured of my own accuracy, but I just cannot think or feel that way. Thank you for sharing.
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This really resonates with me too! And I think your husband is onto something, maybe it’s like having Type O blood, you can go anywhere… I struggle so much because things that so many people see as “easy” questions always throw up footnotes or exceptions in my head. I feel like the world doesn’t make as much room as it should for folks who spend most of their time viewing shades of grey instead of just black and white.
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Blessings to all those who walk the path of the lonely ones (as Manly P. Hall called those drawn to occult study and practice). I feel on the cusp of many different social groups while never fully fitting into any of them. I have come to accept that this is in part because of my path as an occultist. Many thanks as I use your I Ching book to learn that form of divination.
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Honestly, this resonated a lot with me as a mixed person. I feel like I spent 30+ years really struggling with these feelings about myself and it was such a relief to realize that I didn’t have to fight to belong anywhere and I could instead just…be.
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the more I read your blog and watch your videos;
1) thank you for sharing your knowledge as being born Canadian and that both my parents have passed on, the rabbit hole I’m on- it’s hard for me to ask my parents or grandparents as they are on the other side- and though I do speak w them in spirit- the logical analyst (who also works corporate) is still hesitant to believe 100%
2) I appreciate your words as I have always felt stuck in the between. I’ve never been on one side or the other. Of many. Nor do I find I like being labelled. I see both sides to things. But I have always found the harmony between polarities.
I admire your insights – as I find it difficult to read Chinese texts and the translations when I have spoken to me elderly aunts and uncles – it doesn’t translate the same
thank you. Randomly because I don’t know if you will respond – Do you have insight on xu fu?
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