Just a random life update.

On By benebellIn personal

Plenty of authors and artists prefer keeping their next big project under wraps until it’s ready for launch. And that’s a wise decision. I’m not very wise though. Plus, it’s not like you can rely on what I say about my “next” project anyway, because I keep on changing my mind.

The Etteilla Tarot Art Project

Yes, theoretically and in my head I am still working on the Etteilla Tarot deck. I haven’t made any progress since my last Etteilla update though. I’ve completed 39 0f the 78 cards. So yeah, about the halfway point.

And that’s only of the first draft. As you might recall from my SKT project, after I “finished” the first draft of all 80 cards, I all but went back and re-did most of them.

One reason why I’ve been stalling at this point is hilariously superstitious: I’m running out of “good” cards to draw. Yeah yeah yeah don’t get on about how there are no good or bad cards in tarot. I tow that party line, too.

But just talk to any tarot artist and they will tell. you. Uh, but actually there is such a thing as lucky and unlucky cards from an artist’s life experience perspective. It’s like when you’re working on one of the tarot cards, life experiences tend to reflect the meaning and energies of that tarot card. And let me tell you soon enough you start to get superstitious and believe in good vs. bad cards.

And I’m dreading having to do some of those not so fluffy-fun cards.

With the SKT, as some of you witnessed, I was working at a pretty rapid pace, so even while working on a “bad” card, it’d only be for a couple of days. But with my Etteilla deck, each card is taking me months. So if I start a “bad” card, it’s months of having to deal with that card’s energy!

Snapshot of my Tao Te Ching translation notes and work-in-progress.

The Tao Te Ching (& Wen Shi Zhen Jing)

I’ve also been translating and annotating the Tao Te Ching, plus doing the research on commentaries about the Tao Te Ching (TTC) from every dynasty through the millennia of Chinese history, tracking the evolution of how the text has been interpreted.

I think one of my personal strengths is spotting patterns, whether that was issue spotting on law school exams and legal fact patterns, or it’s reading a spread of tarot cards, or it’s seeing notable sentence structures and turns of phrase found in the Tao Te Ching that’s also found across the Five Classics, including the I Ching. (Oh, and a benefit of working on the TTC after the I Ching is clearly seeing all the I Ching references and influences in the TTC. That’s been pretty cool.)

Spotting patterns has completely opened up another dimension of understanding and context for the TTC. Because then you can apply logical tautologies, synthesizing, say, every reference to wu wei 無為 in the text, or every reference to the myriad beings 萬物, or to stillness 靜, or even the Tao 道, and arrive at provocative realizations about these principles.

I’ve talked about the Wen Shi Zhen Jing here (also known as the Guan Yinzi), the legendary TTC-adjacent text purportedly written by the gatekeeper who received Laozi’s teachings, which then became the Tao Te Ching text. There is this implicit understanding that the TTC leans more exoteric, whereas the Guan Yinzi leans esoteric.

According to legend, the gatekeeper first helps to memorialize Laozi’s work, and then the gatekeeper himself achieves enlightenment from studying the Tao Te Ching, and after attaining enlightenment, writes the Wen Shi Zhen Jing.

Since both texts are fairly short, it wouldn’t be insane to combine the two into one book project.

I haven’t quite figured out what I want to do with the final work product. At this point I’m not keen on getting it traditionally published, unless I’m able to retain full control, oversight, and veto power over all parts of the design and production, full stop. I’m equally not enthused about the prospects of personally putting in the work that it would require to independently publish such a book.

Which is to say that while I’m working on this text, I don’t have any clue as to what I’ll actually do with the end result once I’m done.

Binder of research and plotting notes for The Novel

The @#$%^&* Novel

And for those who already forgot that at some point I was writing a novel, yeah you’re not the only one; it’s like I forgot that, too. I mean. I still really, really want to publish a novel and earn that fiction writing badge.

I like to write historical fiction, where the plot is driven by historically-documented people and events, as factual as I can get it, and then where there are holes in our historical documentation, that’s where I get to fill in the plot with fantastical magical explanations.

But I find that writing fiction requires more mental bandwidth from me than any other type of creative project. So as new shiny objects tantalize my magpie mind, the novel keeps getting pushed down lower and lower on the task list.

The Educational Videos

Switching gears, has anyone else noticed a tonal shift with my YouTube channel? I don’t just mean me and the subject matter I’ve been uploading about. I mean the comments section.

The channel had kept at a slow and steady growth rate for 8 years, and over the course of 8 years, remained under 20K subscribers. And then out of nowhere, in just the last year, it shot up to 40K subscribers.

The top line graph above shows that I was at just a bit over 20K as of last year, 2023, and then you see that sharp spike in 2024. The bottom line graph above zooms in to 2024 for a closer look at the spike. It jumped 12K in less than 4 months. And I still haven’t quite figured out why.

Oh, and yeah I know, people with YouTube channels are supposed to pretend like we don’t care about our numbers and feign a lofty lack of concern for such trivial things. But I say it’s only human to care; just “middle path” it, meaning don’t care too much.

Also, for those of you with YouTube channels, too, you know how in the YouTube dashboard there’s that section listing other channels your subscribers watch? For the longest time I knew every one of those other channels because they were my friends. Meaning, this was a closely-knit online community. Now suddenly the entire list of other channels are names I don’t recognize or are huge channels that I only know of the way everybody else knows of them.

I mean like, I don’t even know what to make of that spike. You can click on the line graph for a close-up view.

Sure, at first, as anyone else would, I did a bit of an excited happy dance. It’s nice to feel seen. But it didn’t take long for the bubble to burst and for one to realize the negative side effects of visibility.

It’s incomprehensibly profound how wise the middle path approach is in all things. When you feel like you’re putting in a ton of effort and getting no recognition in return, it’s rough. When you’re mid-tier in popularity, you’re generally well-liked and spoken of highly. That’s the sweet spot. But when you’re perceived as being too seen and too talked about, for some reason that’s when the public turns against you and now you’re over-hyped, you don’t deserve all the attention you’re getting, and people pick apart your every flaw. Even reasonably foreseeable typos are held up as proof positive that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Who I feel like I’m talking to when I post a video has changed, too. Instead of creating videos to share with a small, niche group of the same-old, same-old people sitting in a circle in a well-lit room, now it feels like standing on a stage with a blinding spotlight burning up the top of your head. And when I look out to see who exactly I’m talking to, I see nothing but void. It’s dark and you can’t lock eyes with any familiar faces. Oh, and you just know some people are there to size you up and down, keen on interpreting everything and anything you say in the worst possible way, oh, and of course, the strength of the evil eye intensifies exponentially when you start to gain more exposure. The larger your viewership, the more hate-watchers you have.

It’s rewarding when people reach out to me or comment on how my video content has helped shape their knowledge and understanding of these topics. But does that reward outweigh the negativity that being a content creator exposes you to? I don’t know.

Being an optimistic person is a privileged position, because it means the people in your life and your experiences have been generally positive, and since that which you’ve lost you’ve also regained, you can see the glass as half-full. You see the glass as half-empty when you’ve had to experience true loss, with no recovery, no recompense for what you’ve suffered, and you’ve had the misfortune of experiencing irreparably negative social interactions. It’s only the rare bird who can withstand such misfortune and still be optimistic, and I know myself well enough to know that I’m not the rare bird.

My in-person real life interactions have put me in a privileged position. It’s why I’ve retained my faith and hope in people for as long as I have. And I want to keep on having faith and hope. Sometimes I wonder if the repeated negative online social interactions chip away at that optimism. Do I really want to stick around and risk erosion of that optimism?

EDIT: To clarify, because from the comments section is sounds like the above can be interpreted as me simply being overly sensitive to negative comments and trolls, it’s not just that — it’s how much more of the wider population is commenting, and back when you were just swimming around in a small pond, there were less crazies, so no it isn’t even just about negative comments, because I’m talking about mentally unstable people — and once you’re in a big pond, you’re exposed to more of that unsettling mental and spiritual instability. It can be frightening to see, and so there’s the question of, is ignorance bliss? Do I want to go back to a place of not having to see it everyday?

27 thoughts on “Just a random life update.”

  1. tabithaweber

    First I wanna say that historical fiction is my absolute favorite and if and when you finish the book I’ll be looking forward to it.

    Oh how I just love your content and your creative and beautiful mind. I hope that becoming more popular doesn’t take too much of a toll on you. I will say that I try not to read comments anymore for this reason. It’s so tiring. It blows my mind how people can sit for hours watching content they hate so they can leave hateful comments. We really need more compassion and love in this world. It’s just such a shame. Maybe, and idk if you’ve done this yet, but maybe having another space to share your videos like Patreon. Idk if that will be an unpopular idea but love having that space for like minded people and when I can I will avoid YouTube all together. It doesn’t have to be based on money. I know content creators who don’t charge anything or only charge a $1. Foolish Fish is on there for free or as cheap as $2 a month for added benefits. Sorry I’m rambling at this point. I’d just hate to lose your content because of hateful people. Blessings.

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    1. Hi Tabitha! Oh I didn’t even know you could have a patreon account with free access! Interesting. The recommendation of having a patreon account keeps on coming up. So maybe I should put some stock in the recommendation. 😊 I think the grumpy old part of me is just loathe to learn how to use another new platform. 😂 I was supposed to learn how to use discord and I totally just gave up on that. 😂

      Thank you always! 🙏❤️ Have a great weekend!

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      1. tabithaweber

        I’m in my 40’s and still wrote everything down on paper 😳 so I understand not wanting to learn how to use another platform. 😂 However, if you decide to do that I will be there supporting you.

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      2. Anonymous

        oohh, gads Benebell. I’m not a fan of Discord at all. But it does offer an alternative space for community, chat and learning. Personally, its not my jam. And I hear you…not another platform to learn. It really has become a pita.(pain in the a**e)!!!

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  2. Anonymous

    Looking forward to Tao Tse Ching poetic translation and maybe key concept brush calligraphy art you might enjoy…so many lovely art supplies to wield and so few hours to dream through your graceful art! And maybe even from you, elemental yin yoga or qi gong cards someday….as the elements from song thru poses are interwoven …8)

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  3. sharpsiren

    I’m always excited to see a new post from you! I’m sorry you’re having to deal with these weirdos on social media. You feel a sense of responsibility to the community and so you put yourself out there. It’s quite admirable. I consider you to be the closest thing I have to a teacher right now, and I love all the things I’m learning. And you should know I am still working with the SKT almost daily and it is one of my most treasured possessions. Every time I use your tarot deck it is eerily accurate and you provide so much knowledge in your book of maps. It truly is a deck that I was meant to have. I’ve never experienced anything like the SKT, even holding it in my hands feels magical. I thought you should know that. I also love all your videos (yes, all) and I am very excited to see your Tao te Ching project. I have learned to be patient though because you really put in the work. Take care of yourself and your health and don’t worry, you still have a lot of friends in the audience ♥️✨

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    1. I love that you are one of the names I recognize and continue to see over the years! 💖 And thank you so much for your feedback on the SKT. It’s my go to deck as well that I use pretty much every day, but then again that doesn’t mean much since I’m biased. 😂

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  5. Pingback: 只是隨機的生活更新。 – 溫貝尼貝爾 - FanFare Holistic Blog

  8. Anonymous

    Dearest Bell, when you’re looking out into that ‘void ‘ as you record your video teachings, know that my friendly, non – picky, unpretentious eyes are looking back. Ohh, and I’m sitting up straight and paying attention as I value the knowledge you share freely to us all. There are only two Witches/Sorcerer’s providing in depth training FREE ONLINE to anyone who genuinely wants to learn. Yourself and Josephine McCarthy.

    Please consider always your own health first. Don’t let your natural optimism be eroded by the nasty blowflys that gather near hard earned success.

    Power and Peace to you Bell.

    x Ziggy

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  9. Anonymous

    So, I rarely comment, but I was encouraged to suggest a few things that were rolling around in my head.
    First, I’m excited about the books.. Extra excited to get to read some historical fiction penned by you.
    The following is unsolicited advice, so please disregard if you’re not in the space for that.
    This something I see other Youtubers with larger communities do that make their channels more harmonious, not only for them, but also for the community which has come together. Appointing moderators from trusted people in the group could reduce some of the hassle of dealing with hecklers/hate-watchers. People with the ability to just delete harmful comments and non-constructive critique, or in extreme cases, lock comments. One might worry over having volunteers do this, but considering how it protects you, the community, as the space itself, it seems like it could be potentially worth it to people who have benefitted from your teaching. (I also love the idea of patreon, but as you said, new platform to learn).
    Thank you for the gift of your time and knowledge. So many of us appreciate you.
    M

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    1. Always love hearing your perspectives so thank you for sharing! I wouldn’t know where to find said moderators! I would feel guilty about asking people to volunteer their time for free just to moderate. 💖 But I will keep the idea in mind!

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  10. I’m no tarot deck artist, so I don’t know the limitations of any of this in the slightest lol, but I wonder how effective it would be to do those more negative/critical cards when that energy is more welcomed. Like, say, your stuck in some unnecessarily drawn out, absolute crap situation so you start working on the Tower or the 10 of Swords in hopes for that situation’s end. Risky but…it may have potential!

    Another approach that may work is to treat drawing those more negative/critical cards as a spell over those energies in your life. In this instance, you’d deliberately pick a card that represents a struggle your currently going through, threatened with, or struggling to recover from and draw it as an act of acknowledging that card’s energy in your life and either gaining control over that energy, eradicating that energy, or transmuting that energy in some way. The more of the card you draw = the more energy put in towards whatever you choose to go with energetically. Like drawing the 5 of Pentacles during a time of financial struggle to acknowledge your struggle, empower yourself over that struggle, and/or transmute that energy to welcome in community to alleviate struggles (aka more 6 of coins energy).

    Hopefully that all makes sense! I’m not really an artist, but I’m kinda curious to see if this works myself.

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    1. Haha actually yes that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do! “Schedule” certain less fun cards during times when I think I can take on that type of energy, or when that type of energy would be helpful. So both of us have been thinking the same thing! ❤️

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  11. Anonymous

    Benebell: I am going to be honest with you since that’s primarily how I roll. I must admit that when I read your post, I was surprised that you were being so affected by any negative comments on your YouTube channel. I tend to read comments quite a bit on the Channels that I check out or are subscribed to. What I see mostly and find so disheartening is how much people argue with each other. Often, they have left the topic behind and are just at each other.

    I heard a Comedian say recently that America’s favorite past-time is arguing. Judging from Comment sections on YouTube, it seems so. But back to you. The reason I was surprised that these comments would bother you is because I saw you as being intelligent, spiritually astute and insightful enough to “play past it” so to speak. In other words, to keep it pushing.

    You know how people can be. You can’t please everyone. Some genuinely won’t like you or agree with you. So, they don’t have to. Some may just be mean-spirited; there isn’t much of substance behind their comments and they are so easy to clock. So, since they’re not offering any substance and you know it, then f**k them. Did I make that plain enough?

    You don’t have time for their nonsense! You have TOO MUCH TO DO! You have too much to offer to people who appreciate what you have to give. Don’t let them run you away from producing content on YouTube when obviously your channel is growing because people want to hear what you have to say. There are so many people who have mad respect for you and find you to be extremely talented. You have a Gift. That’s just obvious.

    Also, in regards to one being optimistic … well, it has not always come easy for some people but they do it. They grow and raise their consciousness to get to a set-point of believing that things are always working out for them.

    Anyway, stop it! Consider if there’s anything super serious being said in terms of the negative comments. If not, keep stepping. You are an interesting person Benebell. I have pretty much seen you as an overachiever and a bit of a perfectionist. ;) My opinion of you is that you don’t do anything halfway. Your work shows that. But perhaps along with that comes the tendency to be too hard on yourself. You shine; not everyone likes the way you do. You’re not for everybody, only the ones that get you and appreciate you. Time to expand. Your audience is. Kudos!

    We are all different and have our particular Gifts. You have yours. Thank you for your contributions! Now put your Big Girl pants on and keep doing what only YOU can do!

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    1. Thank you for the tough love! It’s always appreciated! 😊 Watching people behaving in ways that would incur bad karmic merit for themselves is tough though. And yes, I am generally a lot more sensitive than people would assume. 🙂 I’m really not cut out for being online. ☺️

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  12. Hi Benebell!

    You may count me among those who get excited every time I see you post something new. Does it all interest me? No. Does it pull me in more often than not? Yes!

    You have a wonderful style of writing, speaking, and art that all resonates with me. I have all three SKT decks. They are among the first that I show new people in my home.

    You have given the world work that could become lifetimes of study and reward. I truly believe you are going to be someone who is both remembered for your character and your body of work for many generations to come. It’s been an honor to be part of the same world you are.

    All that said, your kindness is always something I’ve both received and noticed. Gratitude, my friend.

    I see you. I hear you. Anytime you need a friend, I got you.

    Finally, let me say one more thing. Who are you creating for? I don’t know. However, I promise you that your work is changing lives for the better. You work will impact lives for the better for as long as humans can print books and view videos.

    Do what’s best for you.

    I’m here either way.

    Gratitude,

    Lonnie Scott

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